To Whom it May Concern,
I just wanted to take the time to apologize. This is an apology that reaches to every missed opportunity, broken promise, forgotten moment, hurried conversation, and mistake. There are no excuses, but for whatever reason there just never seems to be enough hours in the day for all the things that I want to do and want to think about. There is so much pressure that comes with being so far away and seeing so many things. I cannot express to you how much I am learning; everyday, I could write novels. I wish I could too, because they all would be so interesting. I mean, who can say really say that they held a church service in their dorm with a Dutch person in the morning and by the evening they were learning about Turkish dances and the Sacrifice Festival that is going on right now. And this was a normal day for me.
And I'm not trying to rub this travel experience in anyone's face. But I just have to let it be said I feel this unbearable guilt and weight as I go about this experience. This is a weight of all not knowing what I'm accidentally leaving behind or losing, not knowing what or who I am overlooking, or just not being perfect enough to handle it all.
Maybe I think too much. Maybe it turns out that I am not the type of person cut out for traveling. Maybe I am too set in my ways, closed-mind, and intolerant to be the open-book-world-loving kind of traveler I envisioned myself to be in my head. But I feel like I am drowning sometimes here, and I guess this is a stress that goes beyond what I have ever experienced before in my life.
Everything is tugging at me all at once. I'm a student. I'm a traveler. I'm a historian. I'm a lover. I'm an anthropologist. I'm a photographer. I'm a friend. I'm a sister. I'm a daughter. I'm a Christian. I'm a perfectionist. And I feel so guilty because I feel like I am not fulfilling these roles with all that I can. But sometimes it feels like to much and I am sinking. But what can I do? What would I change of this experience or of myself to make it better?
I think it all comes down to forgiving myself. I am a reflective person. I like to take the time I need to think about what I have learned, what I have taken from all my experiences, I like to think about how every piece of my day fits into the larger concept of my life. It's only when I get the chance to do this type of reflection that I feel right about it all. And I feel ridiculous because a normal person would have already had this figured out; they would have known what they wanted to get from this whole experience, they would have had priorities straight and they would have just ran with it. But not me for some reason. I spend more time just trying to figure out my own stupid identity and goals as I experience this life. Sometimes I have no clue who I am at all here and I feel like I am just stupidly being pulled along by everyone else around me. And I am jealous of all those people who seem to have it figured out; they are strong, they are independent, and they are learning all that they want.
But for me, this is not enough. I expect more out of myself and this is why I have such a big problem with where my priorities have been lately, what I'm filling my time with, what I am learning and what I'm putting my most energy towards. But I just wanted to apologize now to anyone who might be reading this and myself for not fulfilling all that I think I should. But all I can do is let it all go, and just live my life moment by moment. And most of all forgive myself when I don't think I am being perfect.
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