Babble from a Foreigner: February 2012

There is a lot of things I have been thinking about lately, and especially struggling with. And I am not sure how to fully express it yet because I feel like it doesn't make sense. I mean, I am half-way across the world right now, but I am so sad. There is a lot of pressure that I put on myself to create something extraordinary here. Because without that thought, it feels so dry and so empty. But right now I am at a loss for what will happen next. I feel like I am missing some extraordinary. I feel like I am being carried by everyone around me. Shouldn't I be the one to be giving so much more to everyone else?

But maybe I just need to shut up and be thankful for all that I've been given. More and more I am learning that I need to stop comparing this semester with what was last semester. They are different, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I've been spending a lot of time trying to devise ways to make it like it was before. But there are new, different people here and I cannot expect them to be exactly like my friends that were here with me last semester. And it's alright to not carry everything and everyone on my back. And I am figuring out that I should not stress so much about comparisons or "competitions" I make up in my head. This semester is good no matter what it becomes; as long as I am happy and I feel like I am doing right here then there is no one that would tell me different.

Because it's days like these when I feel like the worst person in the world, and I spend more time feeling sorry for myself than I do opening my eyes and seeing all the goodness around me. I have friends that will chat with me for hours about how I feel (both back home and here); an amazing roommate that teaches me German, Russian, cooks me tons of food and cappuccinos, and I have kind new friends that give me soup out of the pure kindness of their hearts. It is more than clear to me that I am not alone. I am just frustrated that I refused to see this before now. So this is me FINALLY letting the stress go. It's ok. Everything will be ok. This semester will be just as special and life-changing as the last, except it is going 's to be different and that normal. I am loved and I will share this love still no matter what, that's the important thing I am learning.

This is the soup that my dear friends Esin and Gokce just brought to me that made me realize that I was being a d-bag. Thanks for helping me see how stupid I was being...

Hello friends near and far!

So now I have made my way back to Siauliai. It's a little surreal still because it feels like I am just slipping into an old life I just left behind. But I am excited for the new semester and can't wait to tell you more of the adventures I have going on!

The great thing about going home was being able to see all the familiar faces and hold all the people I have missed so much finally! I can't tell you how much better it was to talk to people face to face instead of over skype! I got my camera fixed while I was home (or, well we bought a new lens) and it has been AMAZING to have it back!! Part of me cannot deny the liberty in not having to worry about "capturing the moment" on my travels, but then I find more and more that I cherish the memories in photos. So I am excited to keep working on taking better photos and remembering all the wonderful things going on in my life.

And you remember how worried I was about London and being alone for awhile? Well, like usual, it was all for nothing. London was perfect, expensive, but perfect. I think it was very good for me to have exposure in doing things alone, especially something big like traveling and exploring a city by yourself. I discovered some power within myself that I never really noticed before. Yes, I CAN do all the things I need to do to survive in a city I don't know. But I also learned that I really do prefer traveling with at least one other person. There are some things about traveling alone that are just too difficult to do alone. And just having a companion with you makes a world of difference sometimes; you have someone to talk to when you are on a bus, someone to take pictures with, someone to always eat with. It's better, for me at least.

But my dear friends Miguel and Gonzalo made all the difference for me in London. We got to explore and laugh our way through the suburbs of London. I always love going to the suburbs of big cities sometimes. It always proves to show a charming side that you don't notice in all the hustle and bustle. We went to really cool places like the Seven Sisters, which was a cliff face that was absolutely gorgeous!!! I couldn't believe my camera was dead that day! So mad at myself! And we went to Brighton too and I learned that hipster town was were the Kooks grew up. And suddenly, everything in my life came together. Seriously, if you are a hipster in the need for a home...go to Brighton. They are waiting for you.

After paying 319 pounds to get my luggage to Lithuania (that's about $500 btw....I almost died) I arrived home! The taxi driver screwed me over and dropped me off at the wrong place. But it still felt good to be back in a place that I knew. Now its just been a waiting game in Siualiai for everyone in the Erasmus program to arrive. My new roommate, Carolin from Germany, is an absolute sweetheart and yells at me all the time for not wearing socks. She gave me an amazing book to read, called "The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet". It's a fun book to read because everywhere in the margins are cool drawings and side stories...love it! She is also teaching me both German and Russian...so all in all, she's awesome.

I have a lot on my mind lately about what I what I want to make this semester become...because it is so different. And I feel a little lost right now because I don't see it all coming together. I am searching for deep cultural encounters, for spiritual connections, for learning new things....but I feel stuck in the old routine of a life I made last semester. And I feel like it takes so much more strength for me to reach out and far too much responsibility to try to carry the weight of everyone here. I have lots to figure out still, obviously.

But I have some questions that I have been asking myself a lot lately, and maybe soon I will have some answers for them. I'll share: