And the adventure continues

I am in Greeley, Colorado and I have been for almost two months now. Part of me has wanted to weep from this since the moment I got off that plane, but luckily, that has not bee the dominate reaction I have had to this homecoming. In fact, I am finding a lot of little surprising things to be absolutely grateful for. Yes, things feel just like normal here. Yes, nothing is in a language or system that I cannot understand. Yes, it doesn't feel like an adventure anymore. BUT, I am starting to see things with different eyes.

I have had the privilege to be the Ambassador two very gracious and wise Thai students, and it is through them that I realized that the adventure does not end. Soria and Denis (and a whole bunch of other international students) are a delight. And I have been exactly in the place that they are in, but I have never thought about it from the mentor's perspective. I was once upon a time the lost and clueless foreign student (though for them, they hardly act like that, they don't need me honestly). I am really familiar with the feeling of clueless-ness that comes with being from a different culture. But I have never felt like this. I have never know what it felt like to be a mentor to someone from a different culture. And I always used to laugh with my friends that would host me when I was traveling. Sometimes I would point out things or ask questions and they would say something along the lines of "Never thought about it before" or "I never noticed that before." It was humorous to me because I knew exactly what was happening; I was a new perspective and a new pair of eyes noticing things that my native friends never did before. I had very little knowledge, however, that I would soon be feeling this myself.

A few weeks ago I took some Thai students on a day trip up to a mountain city called Estes Park. For me, Estes in pretty typical. It is even a little too busy for my tastes now as a Colorado native. I have been there dozens of times, seen sceneries like that all my life. It was nothing special.  However, as we turned into the Big Thompson River Canyon, Soria, Denis, Milly and Kookkai were so excited we actually stopped the car and took tons of pictures on the side of the road! I told them that we weren't even technically in the mountains yet but they didn't care. That day we hiked up the Lumpy Trail to Gem Lake and their compliments were numbering in the thousands. It made me completely see my home state (and even my country a little) completely different. I was lucky to enjoy some DELICIOUS Thai food at the top of the lake and they told me all about why they thought this was one of the most beautiful places in the world. I think completely differently about Colorado than they do, and at this time it was so enlightening to hear positive things about my home state. Because while I try whatever I can do to get out of here, Soria admitted to me that one of her greatest dreams is to live in a cabin in a forest like this one. And I am thinking about how beautiful Thailand must be, how can they possible say that Colorado is anything in comparison? This whole day definitely gave me a new perspective on it all. And I desperately needed it. It is like they are helping me see my home with a totally new set of eyes. Not to mention that I feel like I am learning so much from them about Thailand. They are fantastic! So, hope you enjoy some pictures from our trip!

Oh my God incredible!

And then I have experiences like living in the Farr House. It is crazy in so many good ways. One of the first experiences I had with my new family was driving around in Greeley (a pretty small and inconsequential town compared to others if you ask me) trying to find the layers we have never noticed before. And it was no surprise that we discovered things about this city we had never know before. There are so very many cultures here, there are so many different people here. My eyes could not have been opened wider. And all my roommates are so different and hold such a wide variety of perspectives. It has been one month and I cannot tell you the number of conversations I have had with them that have taught me something new. All in all, I am blessed with a pretty adventurous life right now. This is not what I expected when I came back from Lithuania, but in very good ways!

31 days worth apart

It's been a month since I have been in Europe. Well, almost. I have been thinking a lot about what I would say on this blog. Thinking about what my final closing statement would be concerning all the experiences I had, about all the things I learned. I meant to do this within the first week I got back. Then that week turned into two, sped right into three and landed me right here at one month. It still takes the breath from me to think that a month ago I was thousands of miles from the place I am standing now. It feels so incredibly far away already, and maybe this what is making me the most sad right now. But I have been putting this post off because I am slowly realizing that it is impossible to explain the impact that this has had on my life. There simply are not words for what this experience has been and all it has taught me. I miss Lithuania and Europe a lot right now, and I understand that this grieving is simply a season, but my heart still longs to be out there.

Yet, there are so many reasons why I am so happy to be home.

You see, it is this conflict that is making me feel more torn than at peace. I have so many reasons to be happy in both places that I have lived life in this world. So, I decided instead of trying to list all the things that I miss already from Europe (because there are lots and why be negative?), I will begin trying to process what lessons or eye-opening enlightenments I have been blessed with through this journey. These are some of the most important things or gifts I am still trying to keep and think about from my time abroad. These are sacred things that I hope I always carry with me in my life. They are reminders from my first step into the world.

1. I see my country completely different; I have a whole new perspective on who Americans are, what we stand for and the motives of our actions. Now I better sympathize with those who live on an outsiders perspective. And this makes me understand my country in a different and wider spectrum than before.
2. I see the world differently. I had stereotypes and misconceptions that I started this journey with, many of them have been totally shattered by the experience.
3. I have new dreams. Getting to Europe was my biggest dream; I put all my time, effort, and finances to achieving it. And I am so blessed to say that I was able to accomplish it. But now, I have to continue looking forward, but Europe has given me new vision in which to do that with. I have to move forward and I have to see more.
4. People are magnificently wonderful and family is created everywhere. No matter where I went; deep and significant connections were made. And it is not because of any action I did, it was because people were beautiful enough to outreach to me. This is one of the most important gifts I have ever been given, because these relationships were what allowed me to survive in that foreign place. It restored and challenged all that I knew in humanity. We are beautiful to each other; my friends and family have proven it.
5. Experience is more necessary than knowledge. I am paying for a very high education, and it has indeed taught me many things. But nothing has compared to being thrown into a new culture and having to learn everything from the ground up. This is what I think has taught me the most, this experience made my mind explode.
6. Love means action. I think it is a simple concept, but I was never fully practicing or understanding it. Maybe I was even afraid of it. Love in action has shattered my heart (in a good way) and it had given me lots of amazing connections. It is something that needs no translation either. I want this to be a practice in my life, no matter where I find myself.
7. Acknowledgment brings peace. I was lucky enough to be given this journey, but that is because I am blessed with family and friends who deeply support and believe in me. I took this for granted and I never fully understood how powerful and needed that support is. And I should learn to say thank you more and acknowledge those around me more, because they are important.
8. Sincerity is golden. Americans are seen as fake, shallow, selfish, and careless. And often times we prove this to be true to the world by how little we act real with them; for example, can a person tell you really how they are when you ask? No, they have to say "fine" even if they are not. The world does not understand this about our culture and it makes them find us untrustworthy. I have to remind myself to slow down and open my heart and ears more to those around me. Their trust in me is more important than my tasks.
9. Other cultures and stories are beautiful. I have so much appreciation for all the differences and experiences that make us beautiful. I want to discover more and learn more about those from all different kinds of places. There is something good to be learned from every single one.
10. There is more to learn, always. I fully believe in the statement that "The more I learn, the less I know."  It is not right to embrace apathy towards learning, it is better to always ask questions and try to fill your days with constructive and intentional seeking. I want to try to learn more about all the things I love or care about. Learn more about cultures, art, history, philosophy, music, religion, and humanity. There is more value in a life spent learning and exploring, than a life spent numb and fearful.

So, this is the start of the processing of an utterly life-changing event. I can't say that I have it figured out at all right now but I wanted to at least thank those that helped me through it all. My mother and father deserve so much thanks because without them and their unending support for me, this would have never come true. My brother and my nephew, Jacob, for loving me after all. Arri for her patience, unconditional love and inspiration, Carolin for opening my mind the most, Kim for breaking the ice and starting the adventure, Melanie for challenging me, Dora for laughing and dancing with me, and Yusuf for being the best brother a girl could have. And there are countless numbers of people in the Erasmus program and all over Europe who taught me all about kindness and openness, thank you for loving me and giving me a family when I was so far away from mine.

So where does my adventure take me next?

And indeed the adventures have not stopped. I am taking part in an intentional community called the Farr House. This is a community seeking to outreach to the many cultures and groups represented in my university  town, Greeley. We are intending to create connections and better understanding of those who are around us. It is a home created by 8 very different people living together in an 100 year old house. It is named after the Farr family, which was a family that was extremely important to the water laws of Greeley. I am excited for what this family stands for and what they are trying to do in the community.

I am also going to be the ambassador (or mentor for those of you who did Erasmus with me) for two Thai students named Denis and Soria. I have already met them and I feel so lucky for my chance to be their ambassador, they have already taught me so much about Thai culture and people. This will be a fun journey to explore the US with them. They are already talking about starting UNC's very own Thai club, road-tripping and camping! And they even have given me a Thai nickname, Khaw, I am honored and thrilled! I am so eager to join in on the international community that is here in Greeley, I cannot wait to become friends with people from all over the world and learn even more from them.

School is starting in about two weeks, and it is my senior year. I can't believe I will be graduating this year! So now I am looking in grad schools and hoping to find a good one to get me back to Europe...

So there is your catch up to the story. And I wanted to give a big thanks to you, my readers. Thank you for following me all this way or just picking up on the adventure now. Your support has meant a lot to me!

Without further ado, some images of the return and we will chat again soon!

Bless on your hands Lithuania...

Well, this is the end of this chapter of my life. Today is the last official day that I will spend in Siauliai. It is surreal really, I don't ever remember feeling this way for any other place that I lived and left. But I can feel the page turning, it is time to move on to other things in my life. Though I do have to say, this place has done wonderful things in my life. A year ago, at this exact time, I had no idea how much I would have learned by now. All these cultures, all these people, all these life lessons. I cannot even begin to write how much of my mind-set and my awareness has changed. My whole thought process of the world has changed, my eyes have been completely opened.

I would like to share with you some new goals that have been brewing in my head as this moment dwindles, because they have changed a lot since I began. Before going on this adventure, coming to Europe was my biggest goal. It was something I dreamed, something that I put all my effort into, something that I wanted more than anything. And now that it has been accomplished (woohoo!!) I have been contemplating about all the other goals I will set my life and time towards. So here are some that I can share with you at this moment (they change a lot, that's all):

1. Learn another language (German most likely) well enough to dream in it.
2. Learn a third language. Spanish maybe? Dutch if I feel a little funky.
3. Do Master's studies in another country (Germany or the Netherlands)
4. See other parts of the world (India, Middle East, Asia (Korea, China), South America (Brazil, Peru, Chile)).
5. Work for an international humanitarian program- summer internship
6. Read more.
7. Pursue more arts- photography, poetry, music.
8. Be healthier.
9. Be a better friend, daughter, and sister- listen more and work harder for them.
10. Join international things in UNC
11. Go on a back-packing/biking trip for a month
12. Say yes more, do something that scares me everyday (no matter how small)
13. Go back to Europe and go to...Czech Republic, Spain, France, Germany, Norway, Scotland, Ireland, Turkey, Poland, Italy, and Austria.
14. Live in another country for 5 years at least
15. Take my parents, brother, and best friend on a trip with me.
16. Join the Honors Pogram at UNC
17. Stay in touch with my international friends and old friends from home.
18. Give back more, say thank you often.
19. Figure out what to do with a history and anthropology degree.
20. Become a true humanitarian- spread love wherever I go and work for others.

So, maybe they are a tad vague and shapeless, but they are forming. We'll see where these take me! My hopes is that this experience grows and weaves itself into the rest of my life. I hope and pray that it will grow into something beautiful.

For the last two weeks or so I have left in Europe I will be traveling with very near and dear friends of mine and I am very excited (if not a little nervous)! I am going to go to Germany with my friend Carolin and staying about a week. I am going to meet all of her family, see all of her city and all her favorite things, and try my German on for size. (Oh crap) Wish me luck because I think I will be a good joke! But no matter what, I love Germany and it should be a lot of fun! I am already so thankful for Carolin letting me come with her to Germany...otherwise I think I would have just been moping here in Siauliai by myself. Not a pretty picture.

After Germany, I will head with my Dutch friend Melanie to France to take part in this cool community called the Taize Community. It is this monastery/community project that seeks to bring people from all different kinds of faiths together in one place. It is a cultural exchange, it is a spiritual challenge and something I think I really need to go through to sort my heart. I am very excited for this...you live in the simplest ways possible and spend as much time as you need devouring God and deep questions within yourself. This community has been around since WWII and has deep history of being a place of peace and refugee for all types of people. I think it could not be more of a fitting finish and challenge for me to experience before I fly back to the States. Here is the link to the website and if you are particularly curious about it you could check out more history and more of the story:
http://www.taize.fr/

Well, the next time I talk to you I will probably be back home. Thank you again Lithuania. I will not forget you! And until next time my dear friends, enjoy the sunny weather! 

One Month Left.

Four days ago (can't believe it has already been four days since then already!) marked the month one left line for me and my time here in Europe. All semester long I have struggled with going home. It has haunted me, depressed me, scared me; all I think are negative thoughts about it. And I have often wondered why I feel so sad about going back to the place that I knew before I ever knew Europe. It should be some kind of comfort shouldn't it? Afterall, I am going back to a place I completely know and understand, it is safe and secure. And there is guilt attached to all of this because I know it might hurt my family and friends back home knowing that I do not want to return to where they are and be with them (this is not the case by the way, of course I do want to be with them, more below).

But as time goes on and the day of that fateful flight for me approaches, I think I am sorting a few things out. I do want to go home and see my family and friends again. I have always wanted to be with them; I have indeed missed everyone that I know and everyone I love. Sometimes the isolation I would feel here because I was no longer "there" was so hard to get through. And really, I cannot wait to see their faces again and I cannot wait to be apart of their lives again. It also makes me sad that I cannot show any of them "Siauliai". Sure, I can show as many pictures of Siauliai to them as humanly possible, but this place (from their point of view) is strictly an experience I can own. How can I even begin to explain the way it feels here, the reality of this place? I can't and it ends simply at that. It is hard for me to understand that Siauliai, once I leave, will change and cease to exist like how I know it know.

And I do miss home as a physical place too. Someone mentioned something funny to me the other day and it has really got me thinking, I have been calling Siauliai home, but it really isn't home. Why have I been doing that? Is it because I am so far away from home that I have had to make someplace a home? Is home really marked as a place? I've needed a place to call my own here, or else I think I would have never made it.

But I cannot forget how much Siauliai, Lithuania has changed me. I have different dreams, hopes, and a new mind-set because of this place. And of course (most importantly) the people. I have to laugh at myself now because of how really ignorant and unprepared I was when I first came here. I remember the first thing I was surprised with was that in Europe they start their quotations with a common first, silly things like that were just the beginning. I had no idea what was to come and how very much I would learn, and especially who I would meet. Nowhere was I prepared to meet the family I would encounter here. It is truly incredible and I am so thankful for how much my eyes, heart, and mind were opened. I think there would never have been any way manual for me to read to get prepared for what I would encounter here. This was truly a growing and living experience and I know I will never be the same.

Thank you Siauliai, Lithuania. Thank you for really opening me, challenging me, teaching me. Thank you to every single Erasmus friend (more appropriately I think would be the word family here) I met, you were the people that showed me pieces of the world I never knew. I think this life is all one big puzzle. Every thing we experience, every person we met, every place we see puts another piece of the puzzle into place. I have no idea when we really see all of the puzzle together, but I feel like my puzzle is finally coming together.

здравствуйте Россия!

Went to Mother Russia and survived! The crazy thing is that if you think about it, I guess this is the furthest East I have ever gone, so some small accomplishment for me. It wasn't exactly half-way across the world, only a 10 hour time zone difference from home, but that is still pretty damn far!

Russia was very interesting, and honestly explained so much about Lithuania to me. There were a lot of things, habits and characteristics that Russians and Russia had that I could see reflected in Lithuania. I don't want to say that they are purely "Soviet" things, but I think that is were the connection comes from. It was a classically beautiful city and you could feel the deep-rooted history breathing everywhere you went. It is almost eerie to think about how many huge things that have happened in this city that I strolled around, but I guess that can be said for a lot of the places I have gone in this world.

One of the strangest things were the white nights. Before I was freaking out in Lithuania because the sun was going down at 11 pm and then rising at 4 am. That was really nothing like what Russia would deal us, now I am happy with Lithuania because it seems more "normal" to me! In St. Petersburg the sun never really went down, it was always this kind of strange twilight happening. And I thought this would make it so hard for me to sleep; but never fear, I was able to power through that and I always slept great! It was just strange that I could read a book at 4 in the morning if I wanted to and I never had to turn on a light. So strange. I think it would be harder the other way around though, when it is always night. I would never like that one.

We did a lot of really cool things in St. Petersburg. Went to the Hermitage of course, but like the Louvre, Pompidou, and the British Museum...it was too big and not enough context. We kind of walked around for a few hours and they decided to come back another day (we never did). We also went to the Russian Political Museum and Carolin mentioned something very true and funny about museums in Russia and Lithuania. She said that in Lithuania they think that one room with no context is enough, while in Russia they think 60 rooms with no context is a good museum. The Political museum was interesting, but it was really exhausting. But to be fair, there is a lot of history to be covered in St. Petersburg.

I think by far one of my favorite things that we did was the white night bike tour of the city. I seriously love anything to do with bikes and cities, maybe I should make a bike tour through Europe one day then, because I think it is an amazing idea. It was such a good way to see the city. And our tour guide, Dmitri, was fantastic! It took us to all these special places that I really think other tourists would never know about. They were usually sites of huge historical or cultural significance. They were never anything special until you knew their story. And it was a gorgeous way to see the city, we ended with seeing one of the bridges open at the end of the tour. I would HIGHLY recommend this tour to anyone who might be going to St. Petersburg on a white night. It was by far the most informative and interesting ways to see the city. I support this so much, here's the link even (do it!):
http://www.peterswalk.com/nightbike.html

I really enjoyed traveling with my dear friend and roommate, Carolin. And I ended up being so thankful for her because she speaks way better Russian than I do and understands better too. And she in general knows more about Russian culture. I think I would have totally been shocked without her there with me. We fought sometimes, but I think people fight no matter what when they spend every second of everyday together. I really will remember this trip with her for a lifetime. It was so good! And she is pretty good at a map, I do have to admit... (don't tell her that, her head will get huge).

And I have to say, I thought it was so funny that everyone from home told me "to be careful" when I told them I was going to Russia. Honestly, in my eyes, I think Siauliai is more dangerous than Russia because in Russia I was in a huge city full of other foreigners while in Siauliai I am one of 40 or so foreigners. But it is always surprising to that this suspicion towards Russia is still there. And I was getting really worried that I would run into a ton of problems when I came to Russia for being an American (not a lot came up by the way, if something bad happened it happened to all foreigners...watch out for registration fees ok?). I know the history, I know the Cold War, but what I cannot understand is why all societies put borders between themselves. It seems like a waste of time on things that don't really matter to people. Shouldn't we all be free to move around the world? Why do politics have to divide us? But I guess that is more theoretical question to be discussed elsewhere than on this blog.

So! Enjoy some photos and until next time!

It was an 11 hour bus ride to get there from Riga!

On Nevsky Prospekt, the main road of St. Petersburg.

Unfortunately, I have to admit that we ate more American food than I ever thought we would. But even eating at Subway was a huge challenge for us!

The Hermitage! This place is HUGE.

Carolin eating MAIS (can't say corn or she will punch you)

The Church on Spilled Blood, absolutely gorgeous place. 

St. Issac's Cathedral

Yup, ate there too....

And there  :(  Don't judge us...

A soon to be department store. This was a big factory in the Soviet times and was across the street from one of our hostels!

Inside the Church on Spilled Blood, breathtaking.

The Symbol of St. Petersburg. Peter the Great is squishing a snake, which we found to symbolize many, many things. 

The metro, which we found out is one of the deepest in the world. We sure felt that this was true!

Inside the St. Peter and Paul's Cathedral. This is where at least 48 members of the Romanov family was buried. Do you see the small coffins? Quite sad...

Our very very very cool bikes that we took on our bike tour (by the way it is 10:30 pm when I took this picture). I rode the orange one and I LOVED it. I want one. 

Catherine the Great established this school, it was one of the first that women could attend. 

The bridge rising! It was probably around 1:30 in the morning, can you see that it still wasn't completely dark yet?

A day trip to Peterhof! We went by hydrofoil and spent a few hours here, it had amazing gardens! Very comparable to Versailles. 

And then pictures from our boat tour, which could not compare to the bike tour, but I got nice pictures! Seriously, do the bike tour!

The Cruiser Aurora, this was supposedly to have started the Bolshevik Revolution by shooting off the first fire of the revolt. 

Finally some Soviet/Russian food! Unfortunately, I already forgot what this was called, but we ate it in the Soviet Cafe. This place was a blast from the past and so cool! 

The Singer factory building (now a very cool bookstore and cafe, I had grapefruit sorbet there).

A final view of this beautiful city!

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed! Did I mention you should do the Peter's Walk White Night Bike Tour? Maybe I will just say it one more time... DO IT!