Four days ago (can't believe it has already been four days since then already!) marked the month one left line for me and my time here in Europe. All semester long I have struggled with going home. It has haunted me, depressed me, scared me; all I think are negative thoughts about it. And I have often wondered why I feel so sad about going back to the place that I knew before I ever knew Europe. It should be some kind of comfort shouldn't it? Afterall, I am going back to a place I completely know and understand, it is safe and secure. And there is guilt attached to all of this because I know it might hurt my family and friends back home knowing that I do not want to return to where they are and be with them (this is not the case by the way, of course I do want to be with them, more below).
But as time goes on and the day of that fateful flight for me approaches, I think I am sorting a few things out. I do want to go home and see my family and friends again. I have always wanted to be with them; I have indeed missed everyone that I know and everyone I love. Sometimes the isolation I would feel here because I was no longer "there" was so hard to get through. And really, I cannot wait to see their faces again and I cannot wait to be apart of their lives again. It also makes me sad that I cannot show any of them "Siauliai". Sure, I can show as many pictures of Siauliai to them as humanly possible, but this place (from their point of view) is strictly an experience I can own. How can I even begin to explain the way it feels here, the reality of this place? I can't and it ends simply at that. It is hard for me to understand that Siauliai, once I leave, will change and cease to exist like how I know it know.
And I do miss home as a physical place too. Someone mentioned something funny to me the other day and it has really got me thinking, I have been calling Siauliai home, but it really isn't home. Why have I been doing that? Is it because I am so far away from home that I have had to make someplace a home? Is home really marked as a place? I've needed a place to call my own here, or else I think I would have never made it.
But I cannot forget how much Siauliai, Lithuania has changed me. I have different dreams, hopes, and a new mind-set because of this place. And of course (most importantly) the people. I have to laugh at myself now because of how really ignorant and unprepared I was when I first came here. I remember the first thing I was surprised with was that in Europe they start their quotations with a common first, silly things like that were just the beginning. I had no idea what was to come and how very much I would learn, and especially who I would meet. Nowhere was I prepared to meet the family I would encounter here. It is truly incredible and I am so thankful for how much my eyes, heart, and mind were opened. I think there would never have been any way manual for me to read to get prepared for what I would encounter here. This was truly a growing and living experience and I know I will never be the same.
Thank you Siauliai, Lithuania. Thank you for really opening me, challenging me, teaching me. Thank you to every single Erasmus friend (more appropriately I think would be the word family here) I met, you were the people that showed me pieces of the world I never knew. I think this life is all one big puzzle. Every thing we experience, every person we met, every place we see puts another piece of the puzzle into place. I have no idea when we really see all of the puzzle together, but I feel like my puzzle is finally coming together.
But as time goes on and the day of that fateful flight for me approaches, I think I am sorting a few things out. I do want to go home and see my family and friends again. I have always wanted to be with them; I have indeed missed everyone that I know and everyone I love. Sometimes the isolation I would feel here because I was no longer "there" was so hard to get through. And really, I cannot wait to see their faces again and I cannot wait to be apart of their lives again. It also makes me sad that I cannot show any of them "Siauliai". Sure, I can show as many pictures of Siauliai to them as humanly possible, but this place (from their point of view) is strictly an experience I can own. How can I even begin to explain the way it feels here, the reality of this place? I can't and it ends simply at that. It is hard for me to understand that Siauliai, once I leave, will change and cease to exist like how I know it know.
And I do miss home as a physical place too. Someone mentioned something funny to me the other day and it has really got me thinking, I have been calling Siauliai home, but it really isn't home. Why have I been doing that? Is it because I am so far away from home that I have had to make someplace a home? Is home really marked as a place? I've needed a place to call my own here, or else I think I would have never made it.
But I cannot forget how much Siauliai, Lithuania has changed me. I have different dreams, hopes, and a new mind-set because of this place. And of course (most importantly) the people. I have to laugh at myself now because of how really ignorant and unprepared I was when I first came here. I remember the first thing I was surprised with was that in Europe they start their quotations with a common first, silly things like that were just the beginning. I had no idea what was to come and how very much I would learn, and especially who I would meet. Nowhere was I prepared to meet the family I would encounter here. It is truly incredible and I am so thankful for how much my eyes, heart, and mind were opened. I think there would never have been any way manual for me to read to get prepared for what I would encounter here. This was truly a growing and living experience and I know I will never be the same.
Thank you Siauliai, Lithuania. Thank you for really opening me, challenging me, teaching me. Thank you to every single Erasmus friend (more appropriately I think would be the word family here) I met, you were the people that showed me pieces of the world I never knew. I think this life is all one big puzzle. Every thing we experience, every person we met, every place we see puts another piece of the puzzle into place. I have no idea when we really see all of the puzzle together, but I feel like my puzzle is finally coming together.
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