Deep Thoughts and Deeper Questions

There is a lot of things I have been thinking about lately, and especially struggling with. And I am not sure how to fully express it yet because I feel like it doesn't make sense. I mean, I am half-way across the world right now, but I am so sad. There is a lot of pressure that I put on myself to create something extraordinary here. Because without that thought, it feels so dry and so empty. But right now I am at a loss for what will happen next. I feel like I am missing some extraordinary. I feel like I am being carried by everyone around me. Shouldn't I be the one to be giving so much more to everyone else?

But maybe I just need to shut up and be thankful for all that I've been given. More and more I am learning that I need to stop comparing this semester with what was last semester. They are different, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I've been spending a lot of time trying to devise ways to make it like it was before. But there are new, different people here and I cannot expect them to be exactly like my friends that were here with me last semester. And it's alright to not carry everything and everyone on my back. And I am figuring out that I should not stress so much about comparisons or "competitions" I make up in my head. This semester is good no matter what it becomes; as long as I am happy and I feel like I am doing right here then there is no one that would tell me different.

Because it's days like these when I feel like the worst person in the world, and I spend more time feeling sorry for myself than I do opening my eyes and seeing all the goodness around me. I have friends that will chat with me for hours about how I feel (both back home and here); an amazing roommate that teaches me German, Russian, cooks me tons of food and cappuccinos, and I have kind new friends that give me soup out of the pure kindness of their hearts. It is more than clear to me that I am not alone. I am just frustrated that I refused to see this before now. So this is me FINALLY letting the stress go. It's ok. Everything will be ok. This semester will be just as special and life-changing as the last, except it is going 's to be different and that normal. I am loved and I will share this love still no matter what, that's the important thing I am learning.

This is the soup that my dear friends Esin and Gokce just brought to me that made me realize that I was being a d-bag. Thanks for helping me see how stupid I was being...